I thought that I had escaped the force of white pleasing. I was wrong. But there is hope for you.
"White Pleasing" is still an Unseen Force Sculpting Black Presence in White Spaces
Introduction:
Imagine sitting at a lunch table where the narrative of historical trauma is reduced to casual dinner talk. Picture a discussion on Gorée Island—infamously known as the last African soil that millions of enslaved people touched before being shipped across the Atlantic—is trivialized to the point of insensitivity. This was my reality during a recent outing with friends who, perhaps unconsciously, perpetuated a narrative that diminished my heritage and personhood. Let me give more detail.
I was recently having lunch with friends. All of these friends were white (American and European) except for one friend who was Japanese. One of my friends started talking about her trip to Senegal and was discussing how she had visited the island of Gorée, which she repeatedly called “Slave Island.” Then she discussed how millions of “slaves” had been brought there to be shipped out to the Americas.
I bristled every time that she used the word “slave.”
I bit my tongue when she referred to the Island of Gorée as “Slave Island.”
To hear this discussion of her visit to this island of torture, pain, and despair from which millions of "people" (this is my term) had been shoved and squeezed onto ships where the torture, pain, and despair would continue until they reached their destination where the torture, pain, and despair would continue until they died, was offensive. (Apologies for the lengthy sentence!)
She discussed it all with a smile on her face. She might have been discussing the transport of oranges or visiting a tropical island. But she was discussing people. My people.
I was angry and deeply offended.
Can you guess what I said to her?
Nothing.
I said nothing.
Why?
Because I pictured everyone rolling their eyes and saying that I was too serious about everything or that it didn't really matter or that I shouldn't be so sensitive.
I felt utterly alone in the room among “friends.”
So, I just bit my tongue and waited for her painful story to end.
Do you recognize my behavior?
This is “white-pleasing.”
In that moment, burdened by the horror of ancestral pain, I chose silence.
My silence was not just a personal retreat but a culturally imposed armor against potential alienation and misunderstanding—it was an act of "white-pleasing."
Defining White-Pleasing:
White-pleasing is the act of changing one’s behavior, expressions, and presence to fit comfortably—or less confrontationally—into White cultural norms and expectations. It often involves suppressing authentic reactions, emotions, and perspectives that might disrupt the superficial harmony or reveal the deep-seated racial discomforts in racially a mixed environment.
We can also call it out: White-pleasing is changing our behavior to make white people feel more comfortable with or around us. That sounds harsh but it’s true.
Why Discuss White-Pleasing?
Discussing white-pleasing is important because it is a pervasive yet often invisible force that affects our individuality, authenticity, and mental health. This is the burden that I, as a Black woman, carry when confronted with these types of situations. They are surprisingly common in racially mixed–predominantly white–environments.
White-pleasing behavior represents a form of psychological self-defense that, while momentarily protective, can contribute to long-term emotional and psychological distress.
Understanding that this short-term benefit can be overshadowed by long-term damage is a powerful reason to discuss white-pleasing.
Black people are deeply aware of it though we might code-switch into it too unconsciously. White people are much less aware of this behavior. This brings forth another reason to discuss it: the elephant in the room must be identified. We must be able to shout out that the emperor has no clothes.
The Origins of White-Pleasing:
The roots of white-pleasing extend deep into the history of colonization and slavery, where survival often depended on the ability to appear non-threatening, agreeable, and accommodating to White people. We’ve seen the old rough footage of Black people who were “shuckin’ and jivin’” around white people.
We might have thought that it was funny. (I did not.)
We might have felt angry to see this kind of behavior by Black people–and seeing how White people enjoyed it. (I did.)
However, the deeper reasons for the behavior were not discussed. It could have kept us from being lynched. It could have secured us a job so we could feed our families.
It could have kept us from being arrested or killed by police.
If white people feel comfortable, our lives are easier and safer.
Today, these behaviors have evolved into complex social navigation tactics that many of us employ, often unconsciously, in predominantly White spaces. Paul Laurence Dunbar, one of America's greatest poets, brilliantly shows how Black people can seamlessly shift from one personality type into another.
In “We Wear the Mask,” Paul Laurence Dunbar opens the poem by saying:
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And a mouth with myriad subtleties.
This is a brilliant example of how our “white-pleasing” behavior is always in our pocket, ready to wear at any time. We are expected to “wear that mask that grins and lies” to protect ourselves. The grin is designed to make white people comfortable.
It accomplishes that goal. It also suppresses our humanity.
As my experience at the opening of this article shows, this has not changed. It hasn’t changed since slavery and segregation ended.
It has not changed with the passage of the civil rights and voting laws.
It hasn’t changed since the murder of George Floyd.
It hasn’t changed because racism hasn’t changed.
Nothing has substantially changed.
Exploring White-Pleasing by Omission:
White-pleasing can be categorized into two forms: omissions and commissions. This article focuses on the omissions—the things we do not do, the silences we keep, and the emotions we suppress to avoid “rocking the boat.”
Suppressing Emotions: Not showing our true feelings of frustration, anger, or disagreement to maintain peace or avoid being labeled "difficult" or "aggressive."
Staying Silent: Choosing not to correct misconceptions about Black history, culture, or our experiences for fear of being ostracized or viewed as a "problem."
Avoiding Confrontation: Shying away from challenging racially insensitive remarks to keep social harmony.
Downplaying Cultural Identity: Minimizing aspects of our cultural heritage that might be deemed 'unrelatable' or too 'exotic' or weird to fit into the mainstream White culture.
Avoiding Cultural Discussions: Steering clear of conversations about race or ethnicity that could lead to tension or discomfort.
Downplaying Discrimination: Understating personal or observed experiences of racism to align with the more widely accepted 'post-racial' societal view.
Personal Anecdote Revisited:
In my own experience, I remained silent when my white friend offensively recounted her visit to Gorée Island. My silence was multi-layered—part self-protection, part resignation. It was a calculated decision to preserve my emotional well-being and avoid isolation, even though it meant allowing historical inaccuracies and horrors to go unchallenged and unrecognized.
I still feel the hurt and shame.
In my scenario mentioned above, I had practiced “white-pleasing” by omission behaviors. I remembered using them as a coping mechanism.
#1 (Suppressing Emotions). I suppressed my anger and irritation at hearing my friend use the term “slave” rather than “people” and telling her story with insensitivity.
#2 (Staying silent). I didn't speak up about her story because I felt that I would have been teased and isolated.
#3 (Avoiding confrontation). I chose not to confront my “friend” to correct the misconceptions and falsehoods in her story.
I might also have practiced #5 (Avoiding Cultural Discussions). Let me know what you think.
The Impact of White-Pleasing:
While white-pleasing may seem like a necessary social strategy, it is essential to recognize its implications:
Perpetuation of Systemic Racism: By conforming to White norms, white-pleasing subtly endorses these norms as the standard, implicitly devaluing Black culture and experiences.
Psychological Cost: Continual self-monitoring to fit into White spaces can lead to significant emotional and mental health burdens, including feelings of invisibility and diminished self-worth.
Moving Forward: Breaking the Cycle of White-Pleasing:
Recognizing and addressing white-pleasing behaviors is a crucial step toward authenticity and empowerment. It involves:
Speaking Out: Courageously correcting misconceptions and challenging insensitive remarks when safe and appropriate.
Embracing Cultural Identity: Proudly sharing and celebrating one’s heritage and experiences, thereby enriching the cultural tapestry of our communities.
Educating Others: Using our voices and platforms to inform and enlighten friends, colleagues, and allies about the rich complexity of Black histories and realities.
Practice self-care. Mindfulness activities, journaling, and talking with a friend or counselor can help to reduce the stress and anger that often accompany white-pleasing behavior. They also address helplessness and provide solutions to suppressing our emotions in predominantly white environments.
Conclusion:
As we navigate predominantly White environments, it is vital to assess the cost of white-pleasing on our mental health and dignity. By choosing authenticity over appeasement, we not only honor our ancestors but also contribute to a more inclusive and respectful society.
Call to Action:
Engage with us on Ama-Robin’s Uncommon Conversations. Share your stories and strategies for overcoming white-pleasing. Let's shed light on these silent betrayals together and push for a society where Black voices are heard, respected, and celebrated.
Asante Sana for Your Courage and Engagement!